This page is dedicated to Strippers

I am going to begin a blog on this. I know all you dancers who read this are gonna wanna add your own so just send them to me at

 dk@austintexas.com    and I'll add them to the site.

This is called Stripper Rants;

Stripper Rant
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1) Hey you over there, holding that one dollar bill in your hand with a
death grip and waving it around at me like it's the fucking deed to Trump
Towers... what the fuck do you want me to do, grow another pussy?!? It's a
fuckin' dollar, put it down on the tiprail and blow my world away already.

2) You losers that come into the club for a lapdance with NO underwear or
boxers and thin-ass, nylon shorts, so we slip and slide on your hard-on
(which always feel like a sharpie pen ~ fine point)...fuck you.

3) You with the thick-ass jeans, this was an impromptu visit, eh?

4) Don't pull my thong up during a dance and ask me if it felt good. IT DOES
NOT FEEL GOOD.

5) Hey you, Loser, the one counting out the 20 bucks in one dollar
increments, rubbing your fingers between each one to make sure you are
giving me just that one dollar. Yes, you.

6) No I will not just let you "slip it in real quick" for $50 more bucks.

7) Yeah, my tits are real. As real as my affection for you.

8)If you cum in your pants, you have to tip me an extra $100 for being a
lame-ass who can cum in their pants from a lapdance.

9) Stop asking me out. You're a smelly, fat loser and the only reason I'm
smiling and cooing at you is because I want your money. Outside of the club
I wouldn't even fart your way.

11) Stop bitching at me about the goddamn two drink minimum. First of all,
your breath ranks (what'd you have for dinner, garlic and shit?), you're
about 172 lbs. overweight, and you look like Jay Leno. More importantly: I
don't give a shit.

12) Don't bitch at me about the $10 non-alchoholic beer either. Hide a
bottle of Jack in your coat pocket next time like everyone else does.

13) My horniness is in direct proportion to your income.

14) No, you CAN'T SMOKE. Dumb. Ass.

15 )Boys, don't sit in the front row with your "homies" and act all
engrossed in some deep conversation during a girls performance because you
want to look like you're too "cool" to notice the hot, naked girl in front
of you. It's a clear sign that you ain't getting any.

16) DON'T SIT IN THE FRONT ROW IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TIP. Fer
chrissakes!!!!!!!!!!!

17) "So what do you guys do when you're on your period?" Answer: I lap dance
with guys in dark pants.

18) STOP trying to grab my tits!!!!!!! That's extra.

19) SHOWER FIRST, you nasty fuck!

20) I had a feeling you weren't going to tip me, so I took extra care to rub
my lip gloss on your collar and wear extra glitter lotion and obnoxious
perfume before our dance.

21) Hey cheapasses: please don't come to my work. Just stay home and jack
off to "Desperate Housewives" instead. It will save us a both a lot of
unpleasantry.

22) Stop asking me why I do this job and try to get all psychologically
analytical on me. For the money, you moron, that's why.

23) No seriously, my real name is Sparkle.

24) NO, I will not take a dime sac for payment. I can tell it's oregano
anyway you stupid mutherfucker!

25) Sorry, I don't do that. Ask the ugly girl at the bar with the black
roots and overbite.

26) I can see it's your first time at a strip club. Let me explain the
dynamics to you. If you want a fuck or a blow-job, go to the ugly chicks.
Hot girls don't have to do "extra services." I can give you some
recommendations for a small fee.

27) It is not okay for you to bounce me on your cock like a baby on a knee.
Not okay.

28) Stop complaining about how short the song was. It felt like the fucking
maxi-single to me.

29)Yes I will fuck you, but only for 10 grand. More if you're ugly. So
basically, more.

30) DO NOT come into the club looking for a girlfriend/date. It's like me
going to PETA looking for a steak.

31) Girls--what's with the pole smell? Can we do a little hygiene check?
Nothing than worse than twirling around the pole and getting a whiff of
stale pussy.

32) Girls--stop lip-syncing to the song you're dancing to on stage.
Especially if you don't know all the words.

33) Girls--if your toes curl and hang over your platform shoes a la' Fred
Flinstone, you need to go up a size.

34) Girls--drowning yourself in Angel perfume is just as bad if not worse
than the BO you're trying to cover. Take a goddamn shower, you smell like
lapdance funk.

35) Hey DJ! You suck!

36)Girls--may I suggest complete sobriety before getting tatted up? Tattoos
should be meaningful, or at least semi-meaningful, or at least semi
semi-meaningful. That fucking dancing llama on your ass is so lame.

37)Girls--some songs just should not be stripped to. Please. No Disney
soundtracks (you know who you are, you fucking weirdo), Sade, Boys II Men,
or Bjork. For the love of God, Please.

  this is in or around In your lap