Random acts of lunacy! A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.  Understandably, he shot her.

After stopping for a drink at a bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the  20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and   prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the   injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Your daughter is pregnant." 

The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having  sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" 

Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I was hoping that they would show up again.

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a  hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried   the trigger again. This time it worked.

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have   a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again, you scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years!
 

HORSE

This guy owns a horse farm and gets a call from
a friend. "I know this
midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a
horse and I'm sending him over".

The midget arrives and the owner asks him if he
wants a male or female horse.

"A female horth", the midget replies. So the
owner shows him one.
"Nith looking horth, can I see her mouf?" So the
owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's teeth.
"Nith mouf, can I see her eyesth?" So the owner
picks up the midget and shows him her eyes.

"OK, what about the earsth?" Now the owners is beginning to get a little
pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time
and shows him her ears.

"OK, finally, I would like to se her twat." With that the owner loses all
patience, picks up the midget and shoves his head
up the horse's twat, and then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, "perhapth I
should rephrase that. I would like to thee the horth run."

> > > The following Training courses are now

available for women:

> > >

> > > 1. Silence, The Final Frontier: Where No

Woman Has Gone Before.

> > > 2. The Undiscovered Side Of Banking:

Making Deposits

> > > 3. Combating The Imelda Marcos Syndrome:

You Don't Need New Shoes

> > Everyday

> > > 4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

> > > 5. Man Management: Discover How Minor

Household Chores Can Wait Until

> > After The Game.

> > > 6. Bathroom Etiquette 1: Men Need Space In

The Bathroom Cabinet Too

> > > 7. Bathroom Etiquette 2: His Razor Is His

> > > 8. Communication Skills 1: Tears - The

Last Resort, Not The First

> > > 9. Communication Skills 2: Thinking Before

Speaking

> > > 10. Communication Skills 3: Getting What

You Want, Without Nagging

> > > 11. Driving A Car Safely: A Skill You Can

Acquire

> > > 12. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair

Share

> > > 13. Telephone Skills: How To Hang Up

> > > 14. Introduction to Parking

> > > 15. Introduction to Petrol

> > > 16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A

Space

> > > 17. Advanced Petrol: How To Take The

Filler Cap Off

> > > 18. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

> > > 19. Cooking 1: Bran And Tofu Are Not For

Human Consumption

> > > 20. Cooking 2: How Not To Inflict Your

Diet On Other People

> > > 21. PMT: Your Problem... Not His

> > > 22. Dancing: Sober Men Don't Like To

> > > 23. Sex - It's For The Married Couple Too

> > > 24. Classic Clothing: Wearing Clothes You

Already Have

> > > 25. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural

Occurrence Only Women Notice

> > > 26. TV Remotes: For Men Only

>> A prayer for the stressed.....

>>

>> Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

>> the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the

>> wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today

>> because they pissed me off.

>>

>> And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as

>> they may be connected to the ass that I may have to

>> kiss tomorrow.

>>

>> Help me to always give 100% at work....12% on Monday, 23% on

>> Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Fridays and

>> help me to remember...

>>

>> When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are

>> trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and

>> only 4 to

>> extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.

>>

> The first candidate! Already, the first candidate for the 1999 Darwin

>> Awards is circulating on the Net. The Darwin Awards are annually

>bestowed

>> upon (the remains of) individuals who have given their all in an

>effort to

>> improve our gene pool. The Darwin Awards applaud those who have made

>the

>> ultimate sacrifice by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily

>> stupid means. The Awards commemorate those who find innovative

>moronic

>> ways of killing themselves, thereby helping to eliminate undesirable

>> weaknesses from the human gene pool. And so, without further ado, the

>> first candidate for '99:

>>

>> MAN DIES IN FREAK ACCIDENT - CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va.(Nov. 13)

>> A 39-year-old Charlottesville man died Thursday in a freak accident

>> involving his washing machine. According to police reports, Samuel

>> Randolph Strickson was doing laundry when he tried to speed up the

>> process. Strickson apparently tried to stuff approximately 50 pounds

>of

>> laundry into his washing machine by climbing on top of the washer and

>> stomping the clothing into the wash tub. Strickson apparently

>> accidentally kicked the ON button. When the machine started, Strickson

>> lost his balance and both feet went down into the tub where they got

>> stuck. The machine started the wash cycle and Strickson, unable to

>free

>> himself, started thrashing around with the agitator. His head banged

>> against a nearby shelf, knocking over a bottle of bleach. The bleach

>> poured over Strickson's face, blinding him. Forensic reports say

>> Strickson also swallowed some of the bleach. He then vomited, but was

>> still unable to free himself. Strickson's dog, apparently came into

>the

>> laundry room. According to police reports, the most plausible theory

>is

>> that a large box of baking soda fell from the shelf, startling the

>dog,

>> who then urinated on the floor. Urine, like vinegar, is acidic, and

>the

>> chemical reaction between the urine and the baking soda resulted in a

>> small explosion. The dog escaped unharmed. Strickson remained stuck

>in

>> the washing machine, which eventually went into its high-speed spin

>cycle,

>> spinning Strickson at about 70 miles per hour, according to forensic

>> experts. Strickson's head then smashed against a steel beam behind

>the

>> washing machine, immediately killing him. A neighbor heard the

>commotion

>> and called 911, but Strickson was pronounced dead at the scene.

>>

>> GRAVITY KILLS

>> A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to

>use

>> occy straps (stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee

>jump

>> off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police

>said

>> Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps

>> together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to

>the

>> trestle at Lake Accotink Park. He jumped and hit the pavement Warren

>> Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was

>alone

>> because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord he had

>assembled

>> was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,

>> "Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major

>> trauma." An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.

>>

>> LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY ...

>> Three young men visiting Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of

>July

>> holiday and wanted to apparently test some fire- works. Their only

>real

>> problem was that their launch pad and spectator seats were located

>atop a

>> hundred-thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. When the

>fireworks

>> were set off, fumes were ignited, and the fireworks were not the only

>> thing launched. The fireball was seen for miles and miles. The young

>men

>> were no doubt hurled high into the air and were found dead 50 yards

>from

>> their launch site.

>>

>> DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT...

>> A lawyer and two of his buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas. A

>> lightning storm hit the lake and most of the fisherman immediately

>headed

>> for the shore. But not our friend the lawyer. He was sitting on the

>rear

>> of his aluminum bass boat and his buddies were sitting in the front.

>The

>> lawyer stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted:

>> HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God couldn't

>resist.

>> [Well, could you?}. The two buddies survived and are said to have

>> immediately joined the ministry.

>>

>> PLAYING CATCH!

>> A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say,

>but

>> there's a twist here that makes him a candidate for the Darwin award.

>It

>> seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake and the

>> rattlesnake lost patience with the game. You can guess what happened

>from

>> here. The friend (a future Darwin Award candidate) was hospitalized.

>>

>> RUNNER UP

>> This man does not fully qualify because he lived to tell the story. If

>he

>> displays the same level of intelligence in the future, he may very

>well

>> qualify for a First Place Darwin Award! Come on Demuth - we know you

>can

>> do it!

>> Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a sticky situation

>> yesterday. While visiting the Eagle's Rock African Safari Zoo with a

>> group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Demuth tried to

>> demonstrate one of America's many marvels. Demuth wanted to show the

>> effectiveness of "Crazy Glue" ..the hard way. Apparently, Demuth put

>> about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly

>> placed his hands on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, named

>> Sally, had been a resident of the zoo for many years. She was not

>> initially startled because she had been part of the petting exhibit

>since

>> she was a baby. However once she tired of the petting, Sally began to

>> panic and run around the pen taking Demuth with her. During Sally's

>> tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a

>number of

>> small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats

>and

>> one duck were stomped to death. Sally was finally captured and

>> restrained. To complicate matters, Sally had not been feeling well

>> lately. Actually, she had been very constipated. The veterinarian

>had

>> just given her a

>> laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels. James Douglass, zoo

>> caretaker said, "With all the excitement, the laxatives started to

>take

>> effect and Demuth was repeatedly showered with rhino diarrhea. I guess

>you

>> could say that Demuth was up to his neck. Once Sally was under

>control,

>> we were able to tranquilize her and three care takers, with the help

>of

>> shovels were able to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. It took

>a

>> team of medics and zoo caretakers over four hours to apply solvent and

>> remove Demuth's hands from the rhino's buttocks. "It was tricky. We

>had

>> to work and shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung, said

>> Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a

>while."

>> Vladimir Aolnikov, leader of the Russian troupe, said they were amused

>by

>> the demonstration and impressed with the power of Crazy Glue.

Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from

themselves.

- James Barrie

====================================================

"Dare to Be Happy"

Dare to be happy - don't shy away,

Reach out and capture the joy of today!

Life is for living! Give it a try;

Open your heart to that sun in the sky.

Dare to be loving, and trusting, and true;

Treasure the hours with those dear to you.

Dare to be kind - it's more fun then you know;

Give joy to others, and watch your own grow.

Dare to admit all your blessings, and then

Every day count them all over again.

Dare to be happy, don't be afraid -

This is the day which the Lord hath made!

-Unknown

Church Messages

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Signs and other church messages really seen:

*********************

- "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

*********************

- "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins’."

*********************

- When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign

with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated

with its own message, "We are open on Sundays, too."

*********************

- A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a

church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor

fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."

*********************

- "People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before

you know how strong they are."

*********************

- "God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."

*********************

- "Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"

*********************

- "When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out

alright."

*********************

- "Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."

*********************

- "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

A cold March wind danced around the dead of night in Dallas as the

doctor walked into the small hospital room of Diana Blessing. Still

groggy from surgery, her husband David held her hand as they braced

themselves for the latest news. That afternoon of March 10, 1991,

complications had forced Diana, only 24-weeks pregnant, to undergo

an emergency cesarean to deliver the couple's new daughter, Danae LuBlessing.

At 12 inches long and weighing only one pound and nine ounces, they

already knew she was perilously premature. Still, the doctor's soft

words dropped like bombs. "I don't think she's going to make it," he

said, as kindly as he could. "There's only a 10-percent chance she

will live through the night, and even then, if by some slim chance

she does make it, her future could be a very cruel one."

Numb with disbelief, David and Diana listened as the doctor

described the devastating problems Danae would likely face if she

survived. She would never walk. She would never talk. She would

probably be blind. She would certainly be prone to other

catastrophic conditions from cerebral palsy to complete mental

retardation, and on it went.

"No! No!" was all Diana could say. She and David, with their

5-year-old son Dustin, had long dreamed of the day they would have a

daughter to become a family of four. Now, within a matter of

hours, that dream was slipping away.

Through the dark hours of morning as Danae held onto life by the

thinnest thread, Diana slipped in and out of drugged sleep, growing

more and more determined that their tiny daughter would live and

live to be a healthy, happy young girl. But David, fully awake and

listening to additional dire details of their daughter's chances of

ever leaving the hospital alive much less living a healthy life, knew

he must confront his wife with the inevitable truth as he saw it.

David walked in and said, "We need to talk about making

funeral arrangements." She refused to listen.

Diana remembers feeling so bad for him, because he was doing

everything right as most people would do, accepting the "fate"

of their child. He was trying to include her in what was going on, but she

just wouldn't listen. She couldn't listen.

I said, "No, that is not going to happen. No way!" Diana later recounted.

"I don't care what the doctors say. Danae is *not* going to die! One

day she will be just fine, and she will be coming home with us!"

As if willed to live by Diana's determination, Danae clung to life. Hour

after hour.

With the help of every medical machine and marvel her miniature body could

endure, she held on. But as those first days passed, a new agony set in

for David and Diana.

Because Danae's underdeveloped nervous system was essentially 'raw,'

every lightest kiss or caress only intensified her discomfort, so they

couldn't even cradle their tiny baby girl against their chests to offer her

their strength of love. All they could do, as Danae

struggled alone beneath the ultra-violet light in the tangle of tubes

and wires was to pray that God would stay close to their precious little girl.

There was never a moment when Danae suddenly grew stronger, but as

weeks passed by, she did slowly gain an ounce of weight here and an

ounce of strength there.

At last, when Danae turned two months old, her parents were able to

hold her in their arms for the very first time. And two months

later, though doctors continued to gently but firmly warn that her

chances of surviving were next to zero, Danae went home from the hospital.

It turned out just as her mother predicted.

Today, five years later, Danae is a petite but feisty young girl with

glittering gray eyes and an unquenchable zest for life. She shows no

signs, whatsoever, of any mental or physical impairments. Simply, she

is everything a little girl can be and more...but that happy ending

is far from the end of her story.

One blistering afternoon in the summer of 1996 near her home in

Irving, Texas, Danae was sitting in her mother's lap in the bleachers

of a local ball park where her brother Dustin's baseball team was

practicing. As always, Danae was chattering non-stop with her mother

and several other adults sitting nearby when she suddenly fellsilent.

Hugging her arms across her chest, Danae asked, "Do you smell that?"

Smelling the air and detecting the approach of a thunderstorm, Diana

replied, "Yes, it smells like rain." Danae closed her eyes and again

asked, "Do you smell that?" Once again, her mother replied, "Yes, I

think we're about to get wet. It smells like rain."

Still caught in the moment, Danae shook her head, patted her thin

shoulders with her small hands and loudly announced, "No, it smells

like Him. It smells like God when you lay your head on His chest."

Tears blurred Diana's eyes as Danae then happily hopped down to play

with the other children before the rains came.

Her daughter's words confirmed what Diana and all the members of the

extended-Blessing family had known, at least in their hearts, all

along. During those long days and nights of her first two months of

her life when her nerves were too sensitive for them to touch her,

God was holding Danae on His chest...and it is His loving scent that

she remembers so well.

Subject: Computer Mouse Balls

>>

>>

>> I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This

>> apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its

>> employees in all seriousness...This memo is from an unnamed computer

>> company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral

>> problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers

>> rolled on the floor.

>>

>> "Mouse Balls"

>>

>> Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).

>> Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform

>> erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the

>> delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls

>> should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before

>> proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the

>> underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder

>> than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon

>> the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using

>> the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the

>> twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.

>> However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

>> Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

>> It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for

>> maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missinghis

>> balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items."

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down

from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.

"I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the

Yukon!" he said to the bartender. "We got her!" replied the barkeep.

"She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore

and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked

open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the

meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" The woman

inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she

stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open

those beers first."

Men In Charge-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-IF MEN WERE IN CHARGE OF WEDDINGS........

1. There would be a "Rehearsal Kegger" rather than a "RehearsalDinner."

2. Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jeans cutoffs and halter

tops. They would have NO tan lines.

3. Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would

have matching team colors. (My fiance threatened to have his and his

brother's football numbers embroidered on their tuxes! I threatened

to walk out but he said I wouldn't see it until after we said our

vows so I'd be stuck then!)

4. June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs

5. Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that

"forsaking all others" part.

6. The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or

some other Mopar muscle car with racing tires and flame designs on

the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

7. Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really

old) would get punched in the head.

8. Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man."

9. There would be "Tailgate Receptions."

10. Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at

half-time or between innings.

11. Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.

12. Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the

cost of the bachelor party. (Those strippers and all that alcoholsure add

up!!!)

13. Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy

or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their

local pub or tavern.

14. Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink

passes at the local lounge.

15. The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be

form-fitted to her butt.

16. Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog

roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.

17. No one would bother with that "Veil Routine." But they would

insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.

18. The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral orsomething.

19. Invitations would read as follows: Tom (Dick or Harry) is

getting the ol' ball and chain. He's getting married.He either:

A) knocked her up; B) couldn't get a different roommate; or C) caved

in to her ultimatum. Please meet the woman who will cook and clean

for him for the rest of his life at Texas Stadium On the 50 Yard Line

at half-time during Sunday's Game. Please join us at the Clubhouse

after the game For beer, nachos and pizza. Oh yeah, BYOB.

10 SNAPPY THINGS TO SAY TO "SPECIAL" CO-WORKERS

1. Obviously you're unable to assimilate my stimulating concepts into your

blighted and retarded world-view.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

4. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

5. I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.

6. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

7. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

8. I'll give you a nice, shiny quarter if you'll go away.

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

10 MORE SNAPPY THINGS TO SAY TO "SPECIAL" CO-WORKERS

1. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

2. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

5. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication

6. You're just jealous because the little voices talk to ME.

7. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

8. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

9. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

10. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from

themselves.

- James Barrie

After the May 3rd tornado, many

Oklahoma City residents have tried to deal with their loss through humor.

Many home owners have spray-painted their homes or put up signs claiming:

"For Sale: Fixer Upper" or "OPEN HOUSE."

However, the best one comes from a man in Moore who,

before President Clinton's visit, put a sign in his yard saying:

"HEY BILL, HOW'S THIS FOR A BLOW JOB?"

*****Unfortunately, the Secret Service

asked him to remove it since there was so much

media coverage.

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval

ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October

1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a

collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to

avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to

the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert

YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST

SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY

THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND

THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE

FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE

SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!

From Children's Mouths

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

1) When my daughter was about four years old, she still had a hard

time grasping the concept of marriage. But anyway, I got out our

wedding album, thinking visual images would help, and explained the

entire service to her. Once finished, I asked if she had any

questions, and she replied, "Oh, I see. Is that when Mommy came towork for

us?"

2) A mother took her three year old daughter to church for the first

time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down

the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little

one started to sing in a loud voice "Happy Birthday to you..."

3)After listening restlessly to a long and tedious sermon, a 6 year

old boy asked his father what the preacher did the rest of the week.

"Oh, he's a very busy man," the father replied. "He takes care of

church business, visits the sick, ministers to the poor...and then

he has to have time to rest up. Talking in public isn't an easy job,

you know." The boy thought about that, then said, "Well, listening

ain't easy, either."

4) At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl comes up to the

altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children are sitting down

around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the girl,

"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl

replies almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes, and my

Mom says it's a bitch to iron." [Mom couldn't have been a Baptist!]

5) I had been teaching my three year old daughter, Caitlin, the

Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after

me. One night she said she was ready to solo. I listened with pride

as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the

prayer. "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us

some e-mail. Amen."

Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom break.

Three guys are left. The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna

be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns

out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars

that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave

his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday." The second guy says, "I was

worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor.

Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he

eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, he's so successful that he

just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday." The third guy says,

"Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. In

fact, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend a million in stock for

his birthday." The fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain

that they are telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well, I'm

embarrassed to admit that my son is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out as

a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact, I just

found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the

bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and

a million in stock for his birthday."

> >A man and his wife are at a cattle auction.

> >The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year,

> >you could learn from him."

> >

> >They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65

> >times last year."

> >

> >The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last

> >year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

> >

> >They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365

> >times last year."

> >

> >The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last

> >year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

> >

> >The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if it was 365 times

> >with the same cow."

> "Groom's Childhood Diseases"

>

> A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they

> were spending the first night of

> their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When

> the bridegroom

> removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww -- what's wrong with

> your feet? Your toes

> look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

>

> "I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked.

> "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes. "The bride was

> satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When

> the groom took

> off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's

> wrong with your knees?" she asked.

> "They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child, I also had kneasles,"

> he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was

> a strange illness that only affected my knees."

>

> The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing

> continued, her husband at last

> removed his underwear.

>

> "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess... Small cox?"

> >

> > >Reverse Life Cycle

> > >>

> > >> >The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.

> > >> >I mean, life is tough.

> > >> >It takes up a lot of your time.

> > >> >What do you get at the end of it? A death.

> > >> >What's that, a bonus?

> > >> >I think the life cycle is all backwards.

> > >> >You should die first, get it out of the way.

> > >> >Then you live in an old age home.

> > >> >You get kicked out when you're too young,

> > >> >you get a gold watch, you go to work.

> > >> >You work forty years until you're young enough

> > >> >to enjoy your retirement.

> > >> >You do drugs, alcohol, you party,

> > >> >you get ready for high school.

> > >> >You go to grade school, you become a kid,

> > >> >you play, you have no responsibilities,

> > >> >you become a little baby, you go back into the womb,

> > >> >you spend your last nine months floating...

> > >> >you finish off as an orgasm.

> A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the

> answer to "Where do pets come from?"

>

> Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day.

Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here & it is difficult for me

to remember how much you love me."

>

> And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that

> will be with you forever & who will be a reflection of my love for you,

so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of

howselfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will

accept you as you re & will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

>

> And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam.

> And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

> And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam & he wagged his tail.

> And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the

> Kingdom & I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

>

> And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be

a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my

ownname, and you will call him DOG."

>

> And Dog lived with Adam & was a companion to him & loved him. And

> Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content & wagged

his tail.

>

> After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the

Lord & said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts & preens

like a peacock & he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed

taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

>

> And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who

will be with him forever & who will see him as he is. The companion will

remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy

of adoration."

>

> And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not

> obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he

was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

>

> And God was pleased.

> And Adam was greatly improved.

> And Dog was happy.

> And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

Hal is petrified of girls, so he asks his friend Lenny how

he meets so many nice chicks.

Lenny says, "I have a surefire method to feel them out. I

go up behind a girl and whisper, 'Tickle your ass with a

feather?' And when she turns around and asks what I said, I

say, 'Typical nasty weather.' If she smiles or laughs, I

know she has a sense of humor, we chat, and it all happens

naturally. Try it."

The next night, nervous but desperate, Hal goes to a very

crowded bar, and sits in the corner, stewing, nursing a

drink, getting more uptight every second. Finally, he walks

up behind the nicest girl in the place, and after a few

minutes of stammering, blurts out so everybody can hear,

"Stick my finger in your ass?"

She turns around and says, "WHAT!?"

He says, "It's freaking pouring outside."

It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. Two bored dealers are

waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at

the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants

to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the

dice. The dealers agree.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier

when I'm bottomless."

With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls

the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"

She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the

dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly

leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.

Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were

watching the dice!"

Everything Happens for a Reason

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were

meant to be there...to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or

help figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who

these people may be but, when you lock eyes with them, you know that every

moment they will affect your life in some profound way. And sometimes

things

happen to you at the time that may seem horrible, painful and unfair but,

upon reflection, you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you

would have never realized your potential, strength, will power or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of

good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer

stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small

tests, life would be like a smoothy paved, straight, flat road to nowhere.

Safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless. The people you meet

affect your life. The successes and downfalls that you experience can

create

who you are, and the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are

probably the most poignant and important ones. If someone hurts you,

betrays

you or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn

about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart

to. If someone loves you, love them back, unconditionally, not only because

they love you, but because they are teaching you to love and open your heart

and eyes to little things.

Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from it

everything that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it

again. Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen.

Let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high. Hold your

head up because you have every right to.

Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you

don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you. Create your own

life and then go out and live it.

Subject: The Ultimate Test

>>>

>>>

>>> John Blanchard stood up from the bench straightened his Army uniform,

and

>>>

>>> studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central

>>> Station.

>>> He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he didn't,

the

>>> girl with the rose. His interest in her had begun thirteen months before

>>> in a

>>> Florida library. Taking a book off the shelf he found himself intrigued,

>>> not

>>> with the words of the book, but with the notes penciled in the margin.

>>The

>>>

>>> soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind. In the

>>> front of the book, he discovered the previous owner's name, Miss Hollis

>>> Maynell.

>>>

>>> With time and effort he located her address. She lived in New York City.

>>> He

>>> wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond.

>>The

>>>

>>> next day he was shipped overseas for service in World War II.

>>>

>>> During the next year and one month the two grew to know each other

>>through

>>>

>>> the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A romance

>>was

>>>

>>> budding. Blanchard requested a photograph, but she refused. She felt

that

>>> if

>>> he really cared, it wouldn't matter what she looked like.

>>>

>>> When the day finally came for him to return from Europe, they scheduled

>>> their

>>> first meeting - 7:00 PM at the Grand Central Station in New York.

"You'll

>>> recognize me," she wrote, "by the red rose I'll be wearing on my lapel."

>>> So

>>> at 7:00 he was in the station looking for a girl whose heart he loved,

>>but

>>>

>>> whose face he'd never seen.

>>>

>>> I'll let Mr. Blanchard tell you what happened: A young woman was coming

>>> toward me, her figure long and slim. Her blonde hair lay back in curls

>>> from

>>> her delicate ears; her eyes were blue as flowers. Her lips and chin had

a

>>> gentle firmness, and in her pale green suit she was like springtime come

>>> alive.

>>>

>>> I started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was not

>>> wearing

>>> a rose. As I moved, a small, provocative smile curved her lips. "Going

my

>>> way, sailor?" she murmured.

>>>

>>> Almost uncontrollably, I made one step closer to her, and then I saw

>>> Hollis

>>> Maynell. She was standing almost directly behind the girl. A woman well

>>> past

>>> 40, she had graying hair tucked under a worn hat. She was more than

>>plump,

>>>

>>> her thick-ankled feet thrust into low-heeled shoes.

>>>

>>> The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away. I felt as though I

>>> was

>>> split in two, so keen was my desire to follow her, and yet so deep was

my

>>> longing for the woman whose spirit had truly companioned me and upheld

my

>>> own. And there she stood. Her pale, plump face was gentle and sensible,

>>> her

>>> gray eyes had a warm and kindly twinkle. I did not hesitate. My fingers

>>> gripped the small worn blue leather copy of the book that was to

identify

>>> me

>>> to her. This would not be love, but it would be something precious,

>>> something

>>> perhaps even better than love, a friendship for which I had been and

must

>>> ever be grateful.

>>>

>>> I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out the book to the woman,

>>> even

>>> though while I spoke I felt choked by the bitterness of my

>>disappointment.

>>>

>>> "I'm Lieutenant John Blanchard, and you must be Miss Maynell. I am so

>>glad

>>>

>>> you could meet me; may I take you to dinner?"

>>>

>>> The woman's face broadened into a tolerant smile. "I don't know what

this

>>> is

>>> about, son," she answered, "but the young lady in the green suit who

just

>>> went by, she begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she said if you

>>> were

>>> to ask me out to dinner, I should tell you that she is waiting for you

in

>>> the

>>> big restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind of test!"

>>>

>>> It's not difficult to understand and admire Miss Maynell's wisdom. The

>>> true

>>> nature of a heart is seen in its response to the unattractive. "Tell me

>>> whom

>>> you love," Houssaye wrote, "And I will tell you who you are."

Advice is important

a

D