Rules for being Human

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours

for the entire period.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school

called life. Each day in this school you will have opportunities to learn

lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth and advancement in this

school is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The"failed"

experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that

ultimately "works".

4. A lesson is repeated until it is learned. A lesson will be presented to

you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it,

you may then proceed to the advanced form of that lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not

contain a lesson. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

6. "There" is no better than "Here". When your "There" has become a "Here",

you will simply obtain another "There" that will, again, look better than

your current "Here".

7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about

another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about

yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and

resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. There will be no

grading curve or make-ups.

9. Your answers lie inside you. The answers to life's questions lie inside

you. All you need to do is look, listen and trust.

<< A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his

company.

Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in

the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear

blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows

off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and

makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the

empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him,

"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again

inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right

mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to

come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we

haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone

to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

   Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar

      and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive

      blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

      "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

      "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the

      hand-jobs?"

      "Yes", she purrs, "I am."

      The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese

 sandwich."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Lord of Spam wonders...

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

  Sold the Suit

  When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand

  was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he

  had some very good news for him.

  "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly

  suit we've had so long!"

  "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the

  manager asked.

  "That's the one!"

  That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that

  monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me.

  Why is your hand bandaged?"

  "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog

Ø       bit me."

  Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a

      woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertainmn

    terms

      that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in

    their

      faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact,

      bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and

      slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back

    open.

      Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the

    door,

      she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when

    one

      of them said: "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your

Ø         cat."

 Top 11 Reasons To Go To Work Naked

   1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

   2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

   3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.

   4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

   5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

   6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

   7. So that-with a little help from Muzak-you can add "Exotic Dancer" to

   your exaggerated resume.

   8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep

   them.

   9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

   10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

Ø        11. No one ever steals your chair.

   MIDWEST HELL

   One day, a man from St. Louis (a St. Louisan) died and went to hell. The

   devil was making his rounds and saw the St. Louisan over in the corner

   having a party.

   "Hey, you!" said the devil. "You're not supposed to be having a good time

   in hell. After all, it's burning hot in here."

   "Oh," said the St. Louisan, "It's not all dat hot in here. It gets this

   hot in St. Louis in July!"

   The devil left but was determined to make it uncomfortable for the

   St. Louisan, so he turned up the temperature even more. Later the devil

   passed

   back by the St. Louisan and saw him barbecuing and having an even

   better time.

   "Hey!" said the devil. "You stop that! You're not supposed to be enjoying

   yourself in here. This is hell and it's burning hot in here."

   "It's no big deal," said the St. Louisan. "It gets this hot in St. Louis

   in August."

   The devil left very angry at the St. Louisan and determined to make him

   uncomfortable.

   "Okay," said the devil. "If you're used to the heat, I'm going to make it

   cold," and then turned down the thermostat until it was freezing

   cold.   When he went back to check on the St. Louisan, he saw from afar

   that the St.  Louisan was jumping up and down in a frenzy, throwing up

his

   hands, laughing and smiling.

   "This is really too much!!" So, he asked him, "Why are you so happy?"

   The St. Louisan stopped, smiled at the devil and said, "Cold day

   in hell? That could mean only one thing!!!"

   "THE RAMS WON THE SUPERBOWL!!"

   "THE RAMS WON THE SUPERBOWL!!"

Ø        "THE RAMS WON THE SUPERBOWL!!"

 How do you know you're leading a sad life?

     |      When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

     |      ========================================================

     |      What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

     |      If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think

we're

     nuts.

     |      ========================================================

     |      Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?

     |      Because they have cotton balls.

     |      ========================================================

     |      Do you know why ghosts don't make noise when they make love?

     |      Because they have hollow weenies!

     |      ========================================================

     |      What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?

     |      A cock that stays up all night.

     |      ========================================================

     |      Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day.

     |      What do single guys have? Palm Sunday

     |      ========================================================

     |      Why is being in the military like a blowjob?

     |      The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

     |      ========================================================

     |      What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?

     |      Miracle Whip.

     |      ========================================================

     |      What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?

     |      Her navel.

     |      =======================================================

     |      Why did God create alcohol?

     |      So ugly people have a chance to have sex too.

     |      =======================================================

     |      What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

     |      "Are you sure it's mine?"

     |      =======================================================

     |      What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

     |      Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.

     |      ======================================================

     |      What three two-letter words denote "small"?

     |      "Is it in?"

     |      ======================================================

     |      While she was gone, the hooker left a sign on the door:

     |      "Out to Lunch.  Go Fuck Yourself."

     |      ====================================================

     |      If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in,

     |        what do you have?

     |      Divorce proceedings, most likely.

     |      ====================================================

     |      Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?

     |      They named him Sum Ting Wong.

  Subject:          have fun with this...

  According to studies, the first letter of your first name reveals your

  sexual identity...

    What do you think?

    -A-

    You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action.

    You

  mean business.   With you, what you see is what you get.   You have no

  patience for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying

  to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing.  You are an up front

  person. When it comes to sex, it's action that counts not obscure

  hints.  Your mate's  physical attractiveness is important to you.  You

  find the chase and challenge of the "hunt" invigorating.  You are

  passionate and sexual as well as being much more adventurous than you

  appear; however, you do not go around advertising these qualities.

  Your physical needs are your primary concern.

    -B-

    You give off vibes of lazy sensuality.  You enjoy being romanced,

  wined, and dined.  You are very happy to receive gifts as an

  expression of the affection of your lover.  You want to be pampered

  and know how to pamper your mate.  You are private in your expression

  of endearments and

  particularly when it comes to lovemaking.  You will hold off until

  everything meets with your approval.  You can control your appetite

  and abstain from sex if need be.  You require new sensations and

  experiences.  You are willing to experiment.

    -C-

    You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have

  a relationship.  You require closeness and togetherness.  You must be

  able to talk to your sex partner before, during, and after.  You want

  the object of your affection to be socially acceptable and good

  looking. You see your lover as a friend and companion.  You are very

  sexual and sensual, needing someone to appreciate and almost worship

  you.  When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to go for

  long periods without sexual activity. You are an expert at controlling

  your desires and doing without.

    -D-

    Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full

  steam ahead in pursuit.  You do not give up your quest easily.  You

  are nurturing and caring.  If someone has a problem, this turns you

  on.  You are highly sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in your

  involvement, sometimes possessive and jealous.  Sex to you is a

  pleasure to be enjoyed.  You are stimulated by the eccentric and

  unusual, having a free and open.

    -E-

    Your greatest need is to talk.  If your date is not a good listener,

  you have trouble relating.  A person must be intellectually

  stimulating or you are not interested sexually.  You need a friend for

  a lover and a companion for a bedmate.  You hate disharmony and

  disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in a while it seems

  to stir things up.  You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more

  important than the sexual act for you, but once you give your heart

  away, you are uncompromisingly loyal.  When you don't have a good

  lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book.

  (Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good book.)

    -F-

    You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal.

  You look for the very best mate you can find.  You are a flirt, yet

  once

  committed, you are very loyal.  You are sensuous, sexual, and

  privately passionate.  Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and

  gallant.  You are born romantic.  Dramatic love scenes are your

  favorite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover.

    -G-

    You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself and your

  lover.  You respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal or

  superior, and one who can enhance your status.  You are sensuous and

  know how to reach the

  peak of erotic stimulation, because you work at it meticulously.  You

  can be extremely active sexually that is, when you find the time.

  Your duties and responsibilities take precedence over everything else.

   You may have

  difficulty getting emotionally close to a lover, but no trouble

  getting close sexually.

    -H-

    You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and earning ability.

  You  will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a

  commitment. Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner.

  Before the commitment, though, you tend to be frugal in your spending

  and dating habits and equally cautious in your sexual involvement.

  You are a sensual and patient lover.

    -I-

    You have a great need to be loved, appreciated...  Even worshipped.

  You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh.  You look

  for lovers who know what they are doing.  You are not interested in an

  amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor.  You are fussy and

  exacting about having your desires satisfied.  You are willing to

  experiment and try new modes of sexual expression.  You bore easily

  and thus require sexual adventure and change. You are more sensual

  than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful.

    -J-

    You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love.  Having a

  partner is of paramount importance to you.  You are free in your

  expression of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual

  experiences and partners, provided it's all in good taste.  Brains

  turn you on.   You must feel that your partner is intellectually

  stimulating, otherwise you

  will find it difficult to sustain the relationship.  You require

  loving,

  cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being appreciated.

    -K-

    You are totally fucking marvelous!

    -L-

    You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to

  love means to suffer.  You wind up serving your mate or attracting

  people who have unusual troubles.  You see yourself as your lover's

  savior. You are sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy.  You can't

  help falling in love.  You fantasize and get turned on by movies and

  magazines.  You do not tell others of this secret life, nor of your

  sexual fantasies.

    -M-

    You are emotional and intense.  When involved in a relationship, you

  throw your entire being into it.  Nothing stops you; there are no

  holds barred. You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally

  passionate and intense.  You believe in total sexual freedom.  You are

  willing to try anything and everything.  Your supply of sexual energy

  is inexhaustible.  You also enjoy mothering your mate.

    -N-

    You are crap in bed.

    -O-

    You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and shy

  about your desires.  You can re-channel much of your sexual energy

  into making money and/or seeking power.  You can easily have extended

  periods of celibacy.  You are a passionate, compassionate, sexual

  lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate.  Sex is serious

  business; thus you demand intensity diversity, and are willing to try

  anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness,

  which must be kept in check.

    -P-

    You are very conscious of social proprieties.  You wouldn't think of

  doing anything that might harm your image or reputation.  Appearances

  count, therefore, you require a good-looking partner.  You also

  require an intelligent partner.  Oddly enough, you may view your

  partner as your enemy; a good fight stimulates those sex vibes.   You

  are relatively free of sexual hang-ups.  You are willing to experiment

  and try new ways of doing things. You are very social and sensual; you

  enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification.

    -Q-

    You require constant activity and stimulation.  You have tremendous

  physical energy.  It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you,

  sexually or otherwise.  You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be

  attracted to people of other ethnic groups.  You need romance, hearts

  and flowers,

  and lots of conversation to turn you on and keep you going.

    -R-

    You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual.  You need someone

  who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal the

  smarter the better.  You are turned on more quickly by a great mind

  than by a great body.  However, physical attractiveness is very

  important to you.  You have to be proud of your partner.  You are

  privately very sexy, but you do not bed, you are willing to serve as

  teacher.  Sex is important; you can be a very demanding playmate.

    -S-

    You are secretive, self-contained, and shy.  You are very sexy,

  sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to this.  Only in

  intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal itself.   When it

  gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert.  You know all the

  little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and take

  your love life very seriously.  You don't fool around.  You have the

  patience to wait for the right person to come along.

    -T-

    You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a

  partner who takes the lead.  Music, soft lights and romantic thoughts

  turn you on.   You fantasize, but do not tend to fall in and out of

  love easily. When in love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy, and

  extremely intense. You enjoy having your senses and your feelings

  stimulated, titillated, and teased.  You are a great flirt.  You can

  make your relationships fit your dreams, oftentimes all in your own

  head.

    -U-

    You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love.  When not in love,

  you are in love with love, always looking for someone to adore.  You

  see

  romance as a challenge.  You are a roamer and need adventure,

  excitement, and

  freedom.  You deal in potential relationships.  You enjoy giving gifts

  and enjoy seeing your mate looking good.  Your sex drive is strong and

  you desire instant gratification.  You are willing to put your

  partner's pleasures above your own.

    -V-

    You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and

    excitement.

  You wait until you know someone well before committing yourself.

  Knowing

  someone means psyching him out.  You feel a need to get into his head

  to see what makes him tick.  You are attracted to eccentric types.

  Often there is an age difference between you and your lover.  You

  respond to danger, thrills, and suspense.  The gay scene turns you on,

  even though you yourself may not be a participant.

    -W-

    You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an

  answer when pursuing love.  Your ego is at stake.  You are romantic,

  idealistic, and often in love with love itself, not seeing your

  partner as he or she really is.  You feel deeply and throw all of

  yourself into your relationships. Nothing is too good for your lover.

  You enjoy playing love games.

    -X-

    You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly.  You can

  handle more than one relationship at a time with ease.  You can't shut

  off your mind.   You talk while you make love.  You can have the

  greatest love affairs, all by yourself, in your own head.

    -Y-

    You are sexual, sensual, and very independent.  If you can't have it

  your way, you will forgo the whole thing.  You want to control your

  relationships, which doesn't always work out too well.  You respond to

  physical stimulation, enjoy necking and spending hours just touching,

  feeling and exploring. However, if you can spend your time making

  money, you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment.

  You need to prove to yourself and your partner what a great lover you

  are.  You want feedback on your performance.  You are an open,

  stimulating, romantic bedmate.

    -Z-

    For you, it is business before pleasure.  If you are in any way

  bothered by career, business, or money concerns, you find it very hard

  to relax and get into the mood.  You can be romantically idealistic to

  a fault and are capable of much sensuality.  But you never lose

  control of your emotions.  You are very careful and cautious before

  you give your heart away and your body, for that matter.  Once you

  make the commitment, though, you stick like glue.

Phrases you wish you could say at work

  1. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...

  2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

  3. How about never? Is never good for you?

  4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in

public.

  5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

  6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

  7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

  8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

  9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

  10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

  11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

  12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

  13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

  14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

  15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

  16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of

  view.

  17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

  18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

  19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

  20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

  21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

  22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

  23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

  24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

  25. Who me? I just wander from room to room

  26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

  27. Do I look like a people person?

  28. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

  29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

  31. You!... Off my planet!

  32. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

  33. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

  34. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

  35. Allow me to introduce my selves.

  36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

  37. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

  38. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.